托福写作部分试练文评改指导

　　注意，if引导的条件从句一定要用虚拟语态。例如：

　　If I were a magician, I would not need to study to get a perfect score on the TOEFL.

　　虚拟语态表示与事实相反的动作或状态。通常在“if”、“if that”、 “though”、 “lest”、“unless”、 “except”、“until”等等引导的从句中，也要用虚拟语态。

　　例如： “If there were no honey, the flowers and the bees would have never met.”

　　III. Alternative

　　A. Other ways to express the meaning of “running smoothly”:

　　(i) “without a glitch” – Example: The computer program ran all night long without a glitch.

　　(ii) “going as planned” – Example: The bank robbers thought that everything was going as planned, until all of a sudden the police stormed in and arrested them.

　　(iii) “keep [ object ] on track” – Example: Although the young students acted wild in class, the teacher knew how to keep them on the tracks. (“tracks” – in reference to train tracks keeping the train moving in the expected or appropriate direction, as opposed to derailing off course)

　　B. Definition of “out of one’s way” – to inconvenience oneself to do something that is not necessary or required. Example: The teacher was so dedicated to his students that he went out of his way to tutor them in the weekends. Other ways to express “out of one’s way”:

　　(i) “go above and beyond” – Example: Although the project was not part of his work responsibility, he went above and beyond his duty to make sure it was a success.

　　(ii) “bend over backwards” – Example: She was so committed in her work as a customer service professional that she would bend over backwards to make sure her clients were satisfied.

　　C. The expression “potential advantages” refers to a favorable outcome. Other ways to express the meaning of “potential advantages”:

　　(i) “the good thing is” – Example: The good thing is, there is now less crime in the city.

　　(ii) “upside” – Example: The upside to the construction is the increase in jobs in the local community.

　　D. The expression “if it were up to me” indicates the speaker has an opposing view or opinion to the view that is being referred to. Other ways to express the meaning of “if it were up to me”:

　　(i) “if I had my way” – Example: If I had my way, we would all be on vacation right now, instead of working into the weekend.

　　(ii) “if I had my choice” – Example: I need to work to support my family, but if I had my choice, I would be a full time student.

　　To Build a Community Shopping Center – NO

　　I. Essay

　　Topic: It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

　　This problem is a much-debated one that it affects everyone in their daily lives. (This issue is a controversial one that affects the daily lives of everyone.) (“daily lives”) (A) People may prefer one to another, although some have no idea about it. (People usually take one sides over the other, despite not having any idea about the subject.) (“take one side over the other”) (B) But if I am concerned, I can only disagree with the title statement and the reasons are given below. (But in my case, I cannot take any one side and only disagree with the title statement for my reasons below.)

　　With reference to environment and pollution, the reason why I disagree to build a shopping center near the community is that it may bring much noise. (With regard to the environment and pollution, the reason why I disagree with building a shopping center near my community is that it would be very noisy.) (1) They may disturb people’s daily life. (Shopping centers can disrupt the daily lives of people.) If there is a shopping mall, it must attract thousands of people to visit and, of course, a lot of noise and rubbish are produced. (If a shopping mall were built, it would attract thousands of people and consequently, a lot of noise and trash as well.) (2)(“thousands of people”) (C)

　　Second, because shopping center must be occupy many spaces. (Secondly, shopping centers occupy a lot of space.) (3) As a result the community will get more and more crowded, and also lose some grassland. We can’t see the green trees behind the shopping mall. (We will not be able to see the green trees behind the shopping mall.) We can’t appreciate the night sky clearly. (We will not be able to appreciate the night sky clearly.) What we may see is a mess.

　　Finally, if all this happens, what direct result is that it seriously affects people’s health. (Finally, if a shopping center were built, the overall result would have an adverse affect on people’s health.) Living in a crowded and noisy community, you can’t find green grass to rest on. Only you can breathe is polluted air. (You can only breathe polluted air.) How can human beings live healthy in such unpleasant surroundings?

　　Again, I would state my objection to this issue after analyzing the three reasons. Building a shopping center near the community is the wrong choice. It will harmful both the environment and human beings. (It would harm both the environment and human beings.)

　　II. Editorial Comments

　　1. Original: With reference to environment and pollution, the reason why I disagree to build a shopping center near the community is that it may bring much noise. Revised: With regard to the environment and pollution, the reason why I disagree with building a shopping center near my community is that it would be very noisy.

　　Disagree with something表示不同意某事，Disagree to do表示不同意做某事。这里用disagree with表示有人提议建一个购物中心，但我不同意这个建议。不是不同意去做。it may bring much noise是中式英语表达法，不地道。

　　2. Original: If there is a shopping mall, it must attract thousands of people to visit and, of course, a lot of noise and rubbish are produced. Revised: If a shopping mall were built, it would attract thousandsof people and consequently, a lot of noise and trash as well.

　　首先在if从句中，动词要用虚拟语态，这一点我们在第一章中已经提到。

　　其次，为求简洁，多个客体都可以用一个动词表达，只要不会造成歧义。如此句中的people, noise和trash都可以用attract修饰。

　　3. Original: Second, because shopping center must be occupy many spaces. Revised: Secondly, shopping centers occupy much space.

　　副词Secondly放在局首，引导整个句子。

　　Space是不可数名词，用much，而不是many。

　　III.Alternative Expressions

　　A.The expression “daily lives” refers to ordinary lives of people in their daily existence. Example: People tend to get involved in their daily lives and often don’t time for themselves.Other ways to express:

　　(i)“day to day” – Example: As the weather changes, one’s day to day activities also change.

　　(ii) “daily rut” – Example: Most people fall into the daily rut of working and don’t find time to relax.

　　B.To “take one side over the other” refers to take a position or favor something/person or another thing or person. Example: He took one side over the other although he wasn’t clear on the argument. Other similar expressions include:

　　(i)“side with” – Example: He sided with his brother’s opinion.

　　(ii) “in favor of” – Example: He is in favor of taking the train instead of the plane to Shanghai.

　　C.The expression “thousands of people” is an overly used expression signifying a mass quantity of people. Alternative ways to express a mass quantity of people in a rush for an event include: (i) “hordes of people”, (ii) “herds of people”, (iii) “swarm of people”.

　　To Build a Community Shopping Center – YES

　　I. Essay

　　Topic: It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

　　For those people, who are living far away from the downtown area, it is very essential to build a shopping center, which closes home. (For those people, who are living far away from the downtown area, it is essential to build a shopping center close to home.) As far as I am concerned, there is a long distance between their homes and the shopping center, so a inside community shopping center appear important. (As far as I know, current shopping centers are far from their homes, so a community shopping center would be important.) (1) (“As far as I know”) (A)

　　The reasons are quite clear. Firstly, it is reasonable for people to expect saving time from unnecessary things. For instance, the time I spend on the way to shopping, is more than an hour. (For instance, it takes me over an hour to get to the shopping center.) (2)Sometimes it is even worse, when confront the public holidays. (Sometimes it is even worse, especially during public holidays.) Shopping originally was an enjoyable thing for most people. However in this kind of situation, on the contract, shopping became a trouble. (However, in this case, on the contrary, shopping is a lot of trouble.) (“in this case”) (B) (“on the contrary”) (C) Just imagine what it would be like if it took such a long time to go shopping. People will easy agree to vote to build a close shopping center. (People would readily agree to build a community shopping center.)

　　Secondly, shopping near home not only saves time, but also saves money and energy. That is all, it could supply person with more convenience. (It would provide people with much more convenience.) Most of the citizens in my city can't afford a car. So public transportation is the major means by which to go shopping. Every time after shopping, people will face two options: bus or taxi. (People always face two options after they go shopping: bus or taxi.) If decide to take the bus, it will cost a lot of energy to take all their stuffs to rush into the packed bus, and when they can't find a seat they have to stand for a long time. (If they decide to take a bus, then they will have to take all their bags and rush into a packed bus, and if they can’t find a seat, they’ll have to stand for the whole ride.) However on the other hand, if decide to order a taxi, it will cost money.(On the other hand, if they decide to take a taxi, then it will be expensive.) Therefore, the best solution will be shopping at a place close to home.