托福写作部分试练文评改指导

　　To Build a Community Shopping Center – YES

　　Topic: It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

　　Since industrialization makes it possible to manufacture large quantities of goods, going shopping has become fairly recreational. Furthermore, transportation keeps everything going easily. (Furthermore, transportation keeps everything running smoothly.) (1) (“running smoothly”) (A) Shopping centers have entered the language and life of every citizen. When it comes to whether it is good to build a shopping mall near your apartment, different people have different views. As far as I am concerned, the advantages of setting a shopping center near where we live outweigh the disadvantages.

　　Many people argue that setting a shopping center nearby ushers in more noise, more traffic congestion and more security problems. They would rather go farther to do shopping than let all these bad effects go around in their own community. (They would rather go out of their way to shop than allow these bad elements enter their community.) (“go out of their way”) (B)

　　Although their concern is quite reasonable, it can be avoidable if we handle the center well. Building a shopping center near where we live may have lots of existent and potential advantages. They go as follows. (Building a shopping center where we live has a lot of potential advantages, such as the following.) (2) (“potential advantages”) (C)

　　First, it provides more convenience and less time wasted in traffic. (First, it provides more convenience and reduces time wasted in traffic.) We can buy whatever we need on the way home leisurely, instead of having to write the task down on a schedule and drive through the heavy traffic to get there. (We can buy whatever we need leisurely on the way home, instead of having to jot the task down on a schedule and drive through the heavy traffic to get there.)

　　Second, it helps improve the economy of the local community as well as that of the whole city. Just imagine, another shopping center means another competitor. If they want to survive out of such demanding business, they must provide better service and goods of higher quality. (If they want to survive in such a demanding market, they must provide higher quality goods and services.)As a result, the community and even the city can develop economically.

　　What's more, it offers job opportunities for both adults and students. For adults, especially those who are unemployed, they can earn money to support themselves. For students, they can apply for part-time jobs, and thus get experience and earn some extra money. (For students, they can apply for part-time jobs, gain work experience, and earn extra money.)

　　If it is up to me to decide whether a shopping center should be built near my apartment, I prefer to build it. (If it were up to me to decide whether or not to build a shopping center near my apartment, I would decide to build it.) (3) (“If it were up to me”) (D) This is because I am the sort of person who enjoy conveniecnce and happincess of contacting with people. (This is because I am the type of person who enjoys convenience and contact with people.) If the shopping center is successfully run, I believe that everyone who lives around will get great benefits from it. (If the shopping center is successfully run, I believe the community will benefit greatly from it.)

　　II. Editorial Comments

　　1. Original: Furthermore, transportation keeps everything going easily. Reviswed: Furthermore, transportation keeps everything running smoothly.

　　英语中没有 “going easily” 这种说法。这里，作者要表达的意思是“事情进展的比较顺利”，我们可以用 “running smoothly”。看以下两个例子：

　　＊Although the car crashed just last week, the mechanic was able to fix it quickly and now it is running smoothly.

　　＊Although we made some measurement mistakes in our first science experiment, our second one is running smoothly.

　　2. Original: Building a shopping center near where we live may have lots of existent and potential advantages. They go as follows. Revised: Building a shopping center where we live has a lot of potential advantages, such as the following.

　　为了逻辑通顺和语言联贯，由such as 或者 as follows引导的所要列举的一系列事情，应该和提示部分（some advantages… such as…）放在同一个句子里。以下是几种常用的表列举的结构：

　　＊After we moved into our new apartment, I had to buy many new household goods, such as the following: toilet paper, cooking utensils, cleaning supplies, etc.

　　＊I am in full support of the new legislation for the following reasons.

　　＊ My reasons for studying abroad are as follows.

　　＊ My objections to your decision are listed below.

　　3. Original: If it is up to me to decide whether a shopping center should be built near my apartment, I prefer to build it. Revised: If it were up to me to decide whether or not to build a shopping center near my apartment, I would decide to build it.