雅思大作文点评（二）

　　但是，这篇文章的作者具有一个特色：写长句的潜力！！！比起一般的５分的作文，这篇文章是完全具有６分甚至７分的潜力的，因为它有长句，有难词！！！关键就是正确性太低。如果在正确性方面能够得以提高，那么此为作者在作文方面还是非常有前途的！！！

五、多文化社会的优缺点

　　Multi-cultural societies are mixtures of ethnic groups. To what extent do you think the advantages of multi-cultural societies outweigh the disadvantages?

　　Multi-cultural（这是形容词，怎么作主语了？！） has been brought to spotlight recently, as a prevailing phenomenon nowadays（多余） that the countries on the earth are becoming more and more exchanged（这个句子很晦涩，as在这里是作连词吗？如果是的话，它应该引导一个句子，那么后面只有that引导的同位语从句，却没有主句的谓语动词了！！！）.People at every corner to share and enjoy the same spiritual life together(同样地，这个句子没有谓语动词), which not only promote a climate of peace and prosperity but also enrich the city life and broaden the horizons of human beings. Such a trend has both merits and demerits although, as for me, the former prevails over the latter obviously. （80words）

　　结构分析：前面写了n句话，都是在引题，但是内容显得有点啰嗦。最后一句是作者的观点，即主题句，写得还行。

　　语言方面：句型是很多，错误就更多了！！！大家要注意，拿高分必须要有一定量的句型，但是如果连基本的句子都写不对就去大胆写长句的话，结果可能更惨！！！此段，虽然明显看得出作者掌握了一定的句型，可是似乎掌握的还不是特别好，基本上都有错，这就使得，现在这篇文章最高的起评分只有5分！！！得不偿失啊！！！

　　I am in favor of the Multi-cultural(干吗大写，且形容词这里也不能作宾语呀！！！); first, because it promotes a climate of peace and prosperity, misunderstanding would not be occurred（occur没有被动语态！！！） between nations with the reason of（直接说for不就行了） racial differences and cultural differences（改成racial and cultural differences是不是更好呢）. Take it（这个it指谁啊？！） for example, in the past of China, because of the semi-colonial and semi-feudal economy（中式英语，改成due to the semi-colonial and semi-feudal economy of China in the past是不是更好呢）, the government close the country to international intercourse（这句话也太。。。完全不对）  ,people’s life was very monotonous,（这里却连词！） they could not understanding the occidental civilization .but now, in nowadays ,as the government implements its reform and opening to the outside world, people could（整个句子缺谓语动词，明显是按照中文来写的，through是介词！） through all kinds of rode to acknowledge the other country’s cultural, they will adapt and absorb the western literature,custom,and the viewpoint with the things ,it will advance national unity.(几个句子之间都没有连词连接的！！！)（116words）

　　语言方面：看了这段发现，作者在内容的安排上太有问题！没有详略得当，前两段写得很多，到后面越写越少！其次，写得那么多，错得更多！给人的感觉是写到后面很混乱！明显感觉到中文的痕迹和口语式作文的痕迹！

　　I am approve（绝对低级的错误！！！） of the Multi-cultural ,second（这个词怎么放在这里） ,because it will be favorable to the global integrated. as a saying goes “survival of the fittest”, a multi-cultural social must have the multi-language, multi-lifestyle ,even multi-managing method ,competing would inevitable ,and the most adapt the social developed will be leave behind. The human beings would elaborate the abilities as far as they could, the government will find a best way to administer the society, and to build it more harmoniously.

　　Opponents of the argue ,the unique heritage, languages and artistic expression will become scattered and lost .Some linguists are fully aware of the loss of languages ,there is not much they can do.

　　All in all, the fact that multi-cultural society will becoming a global trend in the future ,unquestioned, it must be advanced, but at the same time, while striving to develop the diverse cultures, we also should to protecting the local culture ,to uphold ethnic and cultural identity.

　　总评：后面几段太多低级错误了，感觉作者越写越没有感觉了，这个说明平时写作练得不够，写到后面就乱写！我把明显错误的地方标了出来，其他其实还有很多错误，就不标了！

　　此文4分