雅思大作文点评（二）

　　On the other side, most people support the tax system, no matter how much tax he pays every year. Just like what I mentioned above, with the tax money, the government could do a great number of things which will benefit them. Without such money, how can the roads, schools, and hospitals be constructed and how could we travel, receive education and treatment? So though the tax rates are somewhat high in some areas, still there are many citizens who are willingly(应改为willing) to pay. (84words)

　　As to myself, I agree with the latter. No one could deny that the benefit he has gained from the programs built with the tax money. And I believe that with more money, the government could offer us better welfare conditions and every one will be able to enjoy a better life as a result,(最好改为;) besides, it’s a useful way to help the poor.(64words)

　　点评：大家会发现，这篇文章我改的很少！！！原因很简单，因为明显的错误很少！粗略地来看，文章写得还比较流畅，明显错误很少。但是有些措辞我觉得还不够精确，比如：tax system是不是改为taxation system更好; if there is no income tax which is so high是不是直接说if there is no such income tax比较简洁等等？！

　　换句话说，本篇作者的提高余地就不是语言的正确性了，应该朝语言的精确性和多样性方面发展，可以适当用些复杂句，用些比较好的词等等，来润饰文章。这样就可能达到7分，甚至更高了！

　　此外，本篇文章结构清晰，采用的是4段论的写法，一段支持，一段反对，还比较清晰，在最后一段（而不是第一段）交待了自己的观点，这种写法只要处理的好，在实战当中还是非常值得一用的。

　　总评：6分。不知道为什么，总感觉没什么地方能让我给7分。可能是因为文章没什么亮点之处吧。此外，值得一提的是，蓝色部分是比较好用的套句或惯用结构，作者处理得很好，没有做作的感觉。

二、应帮助当地社区还是国际组织？

　　Some people think we should provide help for the local communities. Others think we should give money and support to the national and international organizations. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

　　The developments of local communities and national international organizations are important results caused by social improvement. Thus a heatedly discussed issue is that whether （两个连词引导一个从句，明显错误） we should help the local communities or provide money and support to the national and international organizations （这句照抄了题目里的句子） . However in my opinion they are both necessary and complementary that we should not quit neither of them.

　　点评：2＋1的模式，最后一句话正面表达了作者自己的观点。但是前两句话写得并不好，要么有错误，要么照抄了题目里的句子。

　　Local communities play an important role in our daily life. Meanwhile they contribute a lot to the cultrual development. A unforgetable memory is that I joined a local league whose aim is to help the senior citizens in need when I was in high school. The group I belonged to was respected to help an old lady who lived alone and in a poor health. Our regular visits made her didn't feel lonely any longer.What's more,our activities jnflunced other citizens living in the same community,  and they egan to help the old lady as well. A good atmosphere formed. It's not difficult to imagine how terrible our life will be without local vommunities, those who need help may receive much less cocerns, and people's sense and awareness of helping each others whould fade away.

　　点评：这段有许多问题需要澄清一下：

　　1 。段落中举例的问题。例证法是段落展开的常用方法，但是在雅思考试中不宜用太过冗长或描述很具体的例子，这样会显得段落太过繁琐的。以上就是明证，尽管作者企图用个具体的例子来证明自己的观点，但是效果并不好。由于，例子太长，犯了很多语言错误。