雅思大作文点评（二）

四、广告的作用

　　Some parents think advertising tells too much information about snacks and toys to children. But companies think advertising also shows useful information. Discuss both sides and give your opinion according to your own experience and knowledge.

　　A disputed issue which drew our attention recently is that the combat between parents’ complaints about too much commerce-based advertisements which provided children with nothing but merely meaningless staff and the companies’ positive attitudes towards the useful information through this media. Since nowadays we are all evolved in this information age that get us much exposure to a bunch of advertisements with various information, it is surely a dilemma if someone is asked to judge between the two parties above. Nevertheless, I will choose to be on the company side as far as I am concerned. (96words)

　　结构分析：2+1’的模式，最后1句为主体句，前2句介绍背景，没有照抄原文。从内容上来讲，此段完全符合要求。但是从词数上来看，有点太多了！！！第一段还是言简意赅的比较好，不要过分长，这样也不好！！！

　　语言分析：很明显，此篇文章作者是具有一定英语水平的，极力追求长句。可是，仔细分析后，前两句长句都有错！！！这样的话，最多也只有5分。大家必须明白一个道理：先追求正确性，再追求多样性。否则，只会得不偿失！！！

　　第1句：A disputed issue which drew our attention recently（时态错，有副词recently，用现在完成时比较好） is that（原以为作者此处用that引导一个表语从句，但是很明显，接下来的内容是一个combat between A and B的结构，根本就不是句子，此为严重错误！！！）the combat between parents’ complaints about too much commerce-based advertisements which provided children with nothing but merely meaningless staff and the companies’ positive attitudes towards the useful information through this（改为the比较好） media.

　　第2句：Since nowadays we are all evolved（此处估计应该是involved,否则很难懂作者想表达什么！！！） in this information age that get（主谓一致的错误，先行词是information age，是单数！！！） us much exposure（其实这里用expose sb to sth.的结构更符合这个词的习惯用法！！！） to a bunch of advertisements with various information, it is surely a dilemma if someone is asked to judge between the two parties above.

　　印象分：第１段给我的感觉是，作者的水平应该是６分，但是错误太多，起评分５分。

　　People are largely dependent on informative details from advertisementswithout which making their choices would be harder. This point can be strongly proved by those annual fashionable trends youngsters follow. We can easily found （低级错误，应该为can easily find）a certain group of people who wear the exact sort of perfume or the same hairstyle on almost each head(前半句动宾搭配不当wear perfume, wear hairstyle怎么能够搭配到一起的？！后半句典型的Chinese English!!!on almost each head算什么意思，不写也罢！！！). There is no way if a brand-new product spreads nationwide immediately after its birth just by sharing ideas with friends around you. （此句，前半句的意思表达地不是很清楚，请大家一起研究一下，作者到底想说什么？！）We only discuss about qualifications of this product（产品的质量应该说成quality吧） after knowing it from advertisements on TVs, posters or other mass intermediates. （96words）

　　结构分析：第１句是主题句，后接４句支持句。作者还是习惯性地追求长句。这点并没有什么不好。但是有一点要提醒大家：该长的长，该短的还得短啊！！！有时候，可以写的简洁一点的句子或者说没法写得长的句子，就写得短一点，没什么不好。雅思作文可没要求句句都要写长！！！而且硬组合起来的长句也并不好，要是再写错，岂不是赔了夫人又折兵啊！！！

　　Snacks and toys, tough（根据句意，应该是though） mainly designed for teens, do take one part of(你不会想告诉我，你是想说“一部分”吧！！！应该是a certain part of) the on-sale information advertisements convey. Admittedly, all food producers expect a promising prospect of their products，（此处应改为；） they then will naturally exaggerate（它一般是及物动词！！！这里缺宾语） to a certain degree by planning creative notions and exuberant ads lines. But through those introductions, parents may acquire a better understanding of which one they are much more into. Take milking powders(奶粉应该就是milk powders吧) for example, if milking powders with famous brands are much more frequently chosen, babies, as we believe, are less likely to get hurt or even poisoned as they sometimes suffered before. （98words）

　　结构分析：第１句主题句就写得不够理想，造成一定的理解障碍！！！后面写了３句支持句，但是写得并不好，不论在意思上，还是句子结构与语法上都不理想！！！这就是硬写长句的后果啊！！！

　　People hold the opinion that a sacrifice always come（很明显，主谓一致错误） along with a reward, which reflects upon（这个词组的意思是“反省”） this topic. What parents are not satisfied with, from my view, is actually children’s overacting upon（应该为to） advertisements instead of an advertisement itself. Advertisements, tough （应改为though）slightly blur(这里犯了严重错误，though引导一个状语从句，blur是谓语动词，但是主语到哪里去了呢？！) consumers’ eyes, are on their way of helping us a reasonable choice（此句，我不理解）.（55words）（344words）

　　总评：全文有太多的错误，主要是因为用了复杂的句子，某些地方是使用了较难的词，５分。