雅思大作文范文评析

三、雅思大作文6分范文评析

　　Band 6

　　Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

　　Nowadays, purpose of education being changed in Korea. There are some people who think that competition in children should be made, also others believe that children who are taught to co-operate as well as become more useful adults. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments.

　　To begin with, what is good if a sense of competition in children is made? They could develop themselves more and more as they learn and study a lot to win from the competition. To prove this, in Korea, it is popular- even common now- to have a tutor who come to student’s house to teach extra pieces of study with paying a lot of money. They learn faster than what they learn at school. Furthermore, during the vocations, students study abroad to learn English for a month instead of revise school work. If they have experiments such as study abroad, it is one of the greatest plus point to go to the famous well-known high school. Moreover, there are four big school exam and two national examinations to test students’ level of studies. Generally, only the highest 40% can go to the good quality highschools and colleges children learn as much as they can, to win the competition to obtain good quality schools.

　　On the other hand, as they are busy to enter the schools and study individually with their own tutors, there are problems. They become selfish. They become careless and don’t help others a lot if it is about studies. There will be no co-operations for them. Then, why are there companies for many people to work in? each of them are clever, however, there are weak parts and strong parts for each person. To co-operate is to improve this part. People talk and listen to what others thinking of and learn. That could also be a great opportunity to learn instead of learning alone with one teacher.

　　In conclusion, I strongly agree with that children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect. People learn together, work together to develop each other. therefore, I want parents and teachers to educate children concentrating on co-operation, not compete and ranking them.

　　问题分析：

　　从论证大主题的角度来说，这一篇的最后的收尾是co-operation 更重要的成立的，但是这位考生在文字数量分配上缺乏规划，分配给competition的文字明显多于给co-operation的，这样就给了考官一个非常合情合理的借口扣分，实在是遗憾啊!

　　写作建议NO.5：If it is your preference, give it more reference.

　　如果你更认同那个观点，那就在这个观点上多写点吧。

　　如果我们进一步看下Body段里的细节内容，其实这位考生的语法功力和逻辑论证能力比上面那位5分同学还要差，但是这篇文章把题目中的两个方面都提到，没有犯我的NO.3建议中的错误。除此之外，文字总量上这一篇文章叫上两篇都有绝对的优势，所以再强调下数量真的也很重要。

　　写作建议NO.6：A quantitative change causes a qualitative change.

　　量变带来质变。

四、雅思大作文7.5分范文评析

　　Band 7.5

　　Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

　　Fixing punishments for each type of crime has been a debatable issue. There are many arguments supporting both views, those for and those against fixed punishments.

　　On the one hand, fixed punishments will have a deterring effect on society. Individuals knowing that they will be subject to a certain punishment if they are convicted with a given crime, will reconsider committing this act in the first place. This deterring effect also leads to social stability and security, through minimizing the number of crime committed. If people knew they would be able to convince the court or the jury of a reason for having committed the crime they are accused of, penal decisions would be largely arbitrary. This would result into criminals getting away with their crimes and into a high level of injustice caused by the subjective approach of different courts.

　　On the other hand, taking the circumstances of a crime and its motivation into consideration is a prerequisite for establishing and ensuring justice and equity. A person killing in self-defense cannot be compared to a serial killer, moving from one victim to the next.

　　In my opinion and intermediary position between both solutions is the perfect way to establish and ensure justice and equity. There have to be fixed punishments for all crimes. however, criminal laws have to provide for a minimum and a maximum for the punishment and the laws also have to foresee certain cases of exemptions. An example for setting minimum and maximum penalties is Completion Law where a person being held liable of a crime under this law will be convicted to pay a fine, according to the harm caused by the violation and the profit gained by the violator through committing the crime.As for the exemptions, in some countries the law exempts thiefs stealing food during a period of famine taking into consideration the distress and hunger. Also a person killing in self-defense will be exempted from punishment.

　　这篇7.5分的例文几乎全部遵守了以上6条建议，但是在paraphrase这一点仍有失误，作者应该把penalty早早提到文章的前面替换掉一些频繁出现的punishment, 同时应该多收集点其它的词，如：castigation, penalization, discipline等。 但是他关于收集犯罪类的词汇上显然homework做的比较足，所以用了很多专业的词汇：

　　jury 陪审团; penal 刑事的; arbitrary 武断的;injustice 不公正; subjective approach 主观的方法; prerequisite 前提; self-defense 正当防卫; serial killer 连环杀手; exemption 豁免; liable 应负法律责任的; convict 定…罪; violation 违背。

　　从语法上来看，这篇essay 除使用了定语从句外，还有大量的分词短语作定语，如：

　　Individuals knowing that they will be subject to a certain punishment if they are convicted with a given crime, will reconsider committing this act in the first place. (现在分词)

　　A person killing in self-defense cannot be compared to a serial killer, moving from one victim to the next. (现在分词)

　　according to the harm caused by the violation and the profit gained by the violator through committing the crime. (过去分词)

　　被动语态也有展现：

　　a person being held liable of a crime under this law will be convicted to pay a fine.

　　这两个语法点都被囊括在了几个写作高分语法点中，所以同学在掌握好了以上六条建议之后应该在这些写作高分语法句型上花些精力和时间，以助自己的高分梦想早日实现。

　　最后强调下，写作时论证一定要全面，尤其是对于双观点的题型。 更是要掌握好两方论证的顺序和篇幅分配，最后在总结时要注意是否和正文思路吻合。